{"id":390,"date":"2024-07-30T12:43:11","date_gmt":"2024-07-30T12:43:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/webandseoteam.com\/hcr\/?p=390"},"modified":"2025-03-18T14:42:57","modified_gmt":"2025-03-18T14:42:57","slug":"sexual-fantasies-in-couples-therapy-the-art-of-encouraging-erotic-imagination","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/webandseoteam.com\/hcr\/sexual-fantasies-in-couples-therapy-the-art-of-encouraging-erotic-imagination\/","title":{"rendered":"Sexual Fantasies in Couples Therapy: The Art of Encouraging Erotic Imagination"},"content":{"rendered":"

As adults, we tend to focus on managing our work schedules, running our homes, and caring for others. In the process, it\u2019s easy to get stuck in a rut and lose our sense of fun and adventure, especially when it comes to sex. As every couples therapist<\/a> knows, this rut has the potential to unravel our romantic relationships. Luckily, we don\u2019t have to ditch our daily roles and responsibilities to reenergize our partnerships.<\/p>

\u201cFantasy and friction make for a great sex<\/a> life,\u201d sexual health pioneer Helen Singer Kaplan famously said. But when therapists address couples\u2019 sex lives, we sometimes overfocus on everyday realities\u2014Who initiates sex? How often? Could you establish a date night? What do you need to feel receptive to one another? Are there underlying resentments we need to look at? These questions are worth discussing, but so is another, less talked about, more internal and creative source of erotic energy: partners\u2019 sexual imaginations.<\/p>

Through my own experiences as an Imago Relationship and AASECT-certified therapist, I\u2019ve learned to explore sexual fantasies to unlock partners\u2019 imaginations and help them cultivate intimacy. I\u2019ve stumbled many times as a therapist navigating my clients\u2019 sensitivities and misconceptions about sexual fantasies, which are often shrouded in guilt<\/a> and shame<\/a>\u2014making them relational land mines. Each clinical gaffe I\u2019ve made has helped me adjust my approach and work to understand my clients\u2019 perspectives better, even as I seek new ways to transform potential land mines into sources of creativity and intimacy. This was the case with Juan and Estella, a distressed couple I saw recently, for whom sexual fantasy was a taboo subject.<\/p>

Dreams We Have While Awake<\/h2>

The atmosphere in my Santa Monica therapy office sizzles with electricity\u2014and not the good kind. Juan, a former Navy Seal in his mid-40s, sits across from his wife, Estella, a past beauty pageant winner, who currently works as a broadcaster on a local news channel. Like many couples, Juan and Estella sought counseling because they struggled to connect emotionally and physically. Juan\u2019s recent erectile dysfunction had intensified their challenges. The physical closeness they\u2019d once shared had become awkward, leaving them frustrated and bristly. This isn\u2019t uncommon: once the romantic phase of a relationship ends, many couples struggle with desire.<\/p>

Earlier in the session, we\u2019d spoken about what their sex life had been like before Juan\u2019s challenges keeping an erection. Juan had explained that he gets anxious right before he comes because he doesn\u2019t want to fantasize about anyone other than Estella in those moments.<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s okay to have sexual fantasies about someone else,\u201d I say nonchalantly.<\/p>

\u201cWait, what? How can you say that?\u201d Juan asserts emphatically, furrowing his brow. \u201cThat\u2019s cheating!\u201d<\/p>

I notice that Estella reacts, too, frowning as her cheeks and neck redden.<\/p>

\u201cAre you saying Juan should think about other women while having sex with me?\u201d Her voice is chilly. Despite her diminutive physical size, her presence is formidable, and my chest tightens. The truth is their reaction surprises me. I\u2019ve never considered extradyadic fantasies as constituting unfaithfulness, but I can see that by inadvertently offending one of their relationship values, I\u2019ve elicited defensiveness. But I\u2019ve learned something, too. Is this part of what\u2019s at the root of their sexual difficulties? Do Juan and Estella fear and misunderstand the nature of sexual fantasies, which can be a potent driver of desire and arousal?<\/p>

\u201cEstella made me promise to think only about her during sex,\u201d Juan continues, his gaze shifting toward his wife. \u201cSo now I only think of her.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIf Juan thinks about someone else during sex,\u201d Estella interjects, with a mixture of sadness and anger, \u201cit means I\u2019m not enough.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cFirst of all, your feelings and perspectives are valid,\u201d I assure them both. \u201cBut thinking of someone other than your partner during sex isn\u2019t just common: it\u2019s natural. It doesn\u2019t necessarily reflect a lack of commitment or desire in the relationship. Many people imagine others during foreplay or sex with their partner.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat\u2019s a relief to hear,\u201d Juan says. \u201cI guess you\u2019d know. Thing is, I become so preoccupied with the fear of thinking about someone else that I actually end up losing my erection with Estella. We both get frustrated and give up. And I feel like I\u2019ve failed her.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhen he loses his erection,\u201d Estella says, \u201cI can\u2019t help but take it personally. I begin telling myself, \u2018He no longer finds me attractive. If he did, he\u2019d stay hard.\u2019\u201d<\/p>

From the beginning of my work with any couple, I make a point of addressing sexuality directly. I want to convey my own comfort level discussing desire, the body, and arousal, to help them share their sex life openly with each other. Throughout my sessions with Juan and Estella, I gauge the level of their anxiety<\/a>. Anxiety dampens sex drive and arousal. Hopefully our conversation serves as a bridge\u2014a channel through which their unspoken fears and struggles can begin to surface, creating an opportunity for deeper understanding, connection, and pleasure.<\/p>

\u201cJuan, would you judge yourself for the dreams you have while sleeping?\u201d I ask.<\/p>

\u201cOf course not,\u201d he responds, looking puzzled. \u201cI can\u2019t really control my dreams.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSexual fantasies are kind of like dreams we have while we\u2019re awake,\u201d I explain. \u201cOften, they arise involuntarily, particularly during sex. Fantasies reside in the realm of imagination. Attempting to control this part of your psyche with judgment can stifle joy and pleasure. What if, instead of feeling threatened by fantasies, you were curious about them? What if you shared your fantasies with one another? Or even cultivated them together?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d Estella shifts backward in her chair and crosses her arms over her chest, forming a literal barricade against the conversation we\u2019re having.<\/p>

\u201cHis commitment and attraction center on you,\u201d I say, hoping to reassure her that it\u2019s okay to imagine and explore possibilities; her attachment to Juan is safe. But it\u2019s clear she feels uneasy and skeptical. \u201cYou and Juan have chosen each other as lovers. Remember, many of the fantasies we have aren\u2019t about things we plan to do in reality. Sexual fantasies don\u2019t have to diminish your bond. What if they actually enhanced it by infusing your relationship with novelty and intimacy?\u201d<\/p>

I\u2019m aware that I\u2019m talking a lot, probably because I\u2019m a little anxious myself, but something must have landed with Estella, because she uncrosses her arms and sighs.<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019d like to feel more relaxed in bed,\u201d Juan says. He scans Estella\u2019s face, and exhales.<\/p>

They both seem to be recalibrating and taking in what I\u2019ve said. Many people need reassurance that there\u2019s nothing wrong or abnormal about them simply because they have sexual fantasies. Learning that sexual fantasies are a healthy aspect of sexual functioning can help lower a couple\u2019s anxiety.<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019ll try my best not to worry so much about what you\u2019re thinking,\u201d Estella says.<\/p>

\u201cHere\u2019s my recommendation,\u201d I say. \u201cOver the next week, would you be willing to set aside three minutes each day to cultivate a sexual fantasy about each other? Let it be naughty, kinky\u2014whatever. Don\u2019t judge it; just allow it to unfold in your imagination.\u201d Read More<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As adults, we tend to focus on managing our work schedules, running our homes, and caring for others. In the process, it\u2019s easy to get stuck in a rut and lose our sense of fun and adventure, especially when it comes to sex. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":391,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-390","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nSexual Fantasies in Couples Therapy: The Art of Encouraging Erotic Imagination - Harvey Center For Relationships<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Sexual Fantasies in Couples Therapy: The Art of Encouraging Erotic Imagination - Harvey Center For Relationships\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"As adults, we tend to focus on managing our work schedules, running our homes, and caring for others. 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